Extended Metaphor: A Pie I Am

I am a pie.

Unfamiliar with the filling, hidden beneath my thick brown crust, when you first see me I may not seem too favorable. But once you break through my thick outer crust and dig into my luscious filling, I am dense and warm inside. I let my heat run through your body. I may seem shy at first, but once you get to know me I am outgoing and talkative. Making people laugh and filling their hearts with joy, people become addicted to my sweetness, longing for more.

I come in a variety of flavors. Some are appealing while others are not. My most enjoyed flavor is apple, sugary and sweet, spiced with a tint of cinnamon and nutmeg. Most often I am sweet and gentle. I care for others, even if I don’t know them very well. My sweetness brings people happiness. My most despised flavor, rhubarb, brings people a quick taste of tartness, causing my victims’ faces to make a bitter expression, while pushing the plate away from them. My anger and yelling causes people to back away from me in disgust. My bulging eyes and bright red face scares them off, not wanting to take another bite. Depending on the individual, a person may or may not like one of my many flavors, but I have them all.

I am a pie. Flavored in the inside and sheltered on the outside. You must break through my crust to really get to know me. In most cases, you will find me addicting and pleasure to have in front of you, but there comes those days where the chef forgets to add the sugar and I become a bitter pie, lonely and raged.

I am a pie.



What did you find most interesting?

What can I do to improve my extended metaphor?

Life is like Chicago Weather

Life is like Chicago weather.

we excitedly prance outside of the mall wearing shorts and a T-shirt, expecting another beautiful sunny summer day.
Inner peace and contentment, facing no troubles or drama
Clouds shift over your head, far from white and fluffy.

One by one the raindrops hit you, and you never saw it coming
Severe storms including a frightening thunder and a blinding lightning hit you.
Channel 5 assured you to expect sunny with a high of 75.
Severe winds shake your once stable establishment.
Violent rains drops crash in every imaginable space, cutting you off from any source of light.

Trapped, confused, impatient.
Places to go, this storm is not scheduled into your plans
It never is
You not ready to deal with this situation.
You never are
Completely unpredictable

Maybe it’s not about acquiring the ability to prepare for the weather, or the trials life bestows upon you
Perhaps it’s about learning to dance in the rain, disregarding how many times Tom Skilling looked you in the eye and told you to leave your umbrella at home.

questions
Which point in my piece is weakest and how would you improve it?

What is another direction I could potentially take this piece in?

Extended Metaphor

Determination is an infection.
It creeps upon its host, silently,
While the victim goes about his business unsuspectingly.
Comprised of small vows and big dreams,
Determination is its own enemy.
The only thing that ever undid determination is failure.
Failure created from the ashes of burnt reservations.
Values; sacrificed, beliefs; comprimised, personality; dead
All lost in the face of blinding determination.
Which takes over its host like a gunman takes control of a hostage
Demanding perfection in all it's possibilities,
Demanding complete obedience.
Determination breeds arrogance, stirring confidence in a sick melting pot
Brewing haughtiness and contempt, it bubbles viciously, waiting
Waiting... Waiting for the chance to make one something undone
Determination is all that one fails to become


1. What thoughts does this give you about the possibile effects of too much determination?
2. What lines or sections don't flow or coincide with the rest of the piece?

Ex10ded meta4

love is an upside down book written backwards
the words are illegible, but exist
which men have spent lives trying to decode
Many people can't see that love has been lost in translation
because the act of love is getting lost in translation
But most people are too proud to love
And consider the book to be meager
just to cover up the inadequacies
that plague their silly little lives
But to those who still believe
may find at the end of the book
that their lives succeed
and that even the poorest of men
may be draped in the robes of a king
and may find their pockets full the kind of currency
that you can take with you
yes, love is a very real thing

metaphor

Our brain is a computer.

Thinking, reasoning, calculating numbers and words,

Giving us answers to life's problems,

"Just use your head," now means

"Just Google it."

The workings of both machines in our life are a mystery to most.

This is except, of course,

To the tech-whizzes and neurologists.

However the only thing the great computer inside our head cannot do,

Is print.

How can I add more lines to the metaphor? What are ideas for lines I can add?

Which part of the metaphor needs the most revision?

The Battle of the Boat

My boat sails smoothly across the surface of the ocean. The sun beats down on the ocean and the boat, warming everything it touches. The wind propels the boat, softly, subtly, and smoothly. A few hours pass by, and then suddenly a burst of wind pushes my boat to the side; as if in a pit of frustration. The gust of wind is short, but fierce. The boat continues to sail smoothly, regaining its focus. The boat seems to concentrate on the task at hand: simply just trying to sail, but then, abruptly, something happens. The wind picks up, the sky darkens. The waves climb higher. White caps begin to form, and it soon becomes extremely difficult for the boat to travel across the surface of the ocean as it once did so easily before. The boat, struggling, rocks violently over the waves, going up and down and up and down, desperately fighting to win this battle. The boat travels fast to the west, the opposite way it was once traveling. However, the boat’s persistence is consistent. The sails stay strong on the boat, the strongly built hull withstanding everything the waves thrash against it. Eventually, after a long and unforeseen struggle, the boat prevails. It stands proud.

Sometimes unexpected things happen, and there is nothing you can do about it but just learn to overcome it. Life will throw whatever it can at you, and one must always be prepared. Sometimes, just when you think life is going smoothly, a sudden twist will catch you by surprise and throw you a little off balance. However, all you need to do is stay strong, focus on your morals and your goals, and you will overcome them. Sometimes you’ll be headed down a path, but then a person will interfere and cause you to go the complete opposite direction, or a situation will leave you turned around. You might find yourself in a never-ending up and down battle. However, no matter how fierce the wind may be, no matter how large the waves may seem, you too can prevail.

1.) Which part of the piece did you like the best? Were you able to relate?

2.) Where does my piece need improvement?

Revision:

If I were to revise this piece of writing, I would change a few things. First, I could change the second paragraph or completely take it out. When I wrote the second paragraph, I assumed that the readers would not connect what I was relating the boat to, which is why I included it. However, it may seem like I am the analyzing my own metaphor, so it could be taken out. Also, I would add in a few more examples describing other situations with the boat that might help convey my metaphor of life being like a boat. Finally, I could break the piece up into separate paragraphs so that it might be easier for the readers to completely visualize what is happening in the metaphor.

The World in a Kitchen

Life is a cake, and we the bakers. The kitchen can be seen as our laboratory where we can experiment with new ideas, or alter an old recipe. In the kitchen we have total control over the decisions of what we are going to put into the batter of our cake. If we follow a recipe we can either decide to go along with tradition and follow it step by step, or we can decide to be a little daring and tweak some simple elements here or there. If we really want to take a step on the wild side and break loose we may throw all recipes out the door and create one that is all our own. No matter what we choose to do the basic ingredients that go into making a cake never changes. There is always going to be sugar, flour, eggs, and butter. So with such simple ingredients how is it that so many cakes can turn out wrong?

With any experiment the only way to assure the perfect results is to have multiple trials, otherwise known as trial and error. Baking takes the special touch of knowing just the right proportions of ingredients to amount to the perfect cake. For one to truly master the art of baking takes experimentation. No one wakes up just knowing how to bake, in fact more people usually fail at obtaining the perfect touch of baking than people who master the art. The people who can call themselves true "bakers" obtained this right through dedication and passion. They simply do not give up after a few failed attempts of baking a cake, they push on until they reach perfection. With passion and dedication they succeed at making something as wonderful as a simple cake. While this may not seem like much, how many of us are capable of this simple task?

What was your understanding of the piece?
What were some of the weakness that I could improve to make the piece stronger?

Extended Metaphor

The wind is my faith.
It is strong and powerful,
Something I can’t see, but I can feel.
A breeze brushes past my skin,
Giving a cool breath that refreshes me momentarily from the hot sun.
It circles around me and then points in its own direction.
It is much easier to walk with it, rather than try to go against it.
The wind surrounds me, even at night,
When I am all alone and in total darkness.
I still feel it. I can close my eyes and know that the wind is still there.
Unfortunately, there are times when trees don’t sway back and forth.
Wind can stop and disappear, except it never dissapoints
Because, as always, it will return once again
To point in a certain direction, so I can join the wind and walk with it.

How well does my poem flow?

Are there any changes I could make? What are they?

Extended Metaphor

Life is like a well run game of Dungeons & Dragons.
We all begin with a small bit of knowledge and a blank character sheet.
Pen in hand, you peruse the rule books, marveling at the possibilities laid out before you.
And by a throw of the dice, your immediate future is decided.
Without much more than a basic grasp of the rules, you venture out into the unknown.
Your first quest is a memorable as your latest as you drink to celebrate another job well done.
But the glory is short lived when you find yourself losing interest.
Party members come and go as everything settles into a slow repetitive cycle.
And just as you are losing yourself; drowning in sorrow and ale, you are called upon once more.
Rallied to vanquish the evil that threatens to engulf the land.
But you think that you cannot do anything, you feel sad, hopeless, lost.
Until one day, an old friend comes to visit.
They don't chastise your unexpected retirement, but talk of the days of old.
"What of that dragon in the northern lands?" he asks, "Or the cyclopes in the west?"
And by the end of the day, you are alight with new purpose; determination burning in your eyes.
Mounting your trusty steed and shouldering your weapon of choice, you ride off into the sunset once again.

4th Edition rulebooks are out in May of '08!

Questions:
Should be poem be retooled to be just a general fantasy metaphor (as of the the D&D plug doesn't do much for the piece).

Is the poem too cryptic to makes sense (i.e. can you feasibly make connections after you've dug just a little bit deeper)?

Changes
Alex Paul makes a good point about the first sentence. I would say that (looking at the comments) the poem is accessible enough to most people, but still has its head-stratching moments, which to me, makes the metaphor more realistic (well, as realistic as casting magic and slaying dragons gets). Adding in some kind of ending would be nice too, kinda like overcoming whatever hurdle you have in life and moving onto the next one.

Extended Metaphor

Jack Frost is a king,
Ruling above earth with absolute sovereignty.
He sits alone in his castle,
Teasing and tricking while plotting and scheming,
against the leaves and the trees,
who do not want to succumb to the coldness.
The leaves beg and resist, remaining firm to their branch.
But no amount of power can stop King Frost.
With a mighty blow, the leaves fall to their doom.
And are pelted with shards of his crystal clear glass.
And as the thin sheet of snow,
ends the rebellion,
Fall comes to an end,
and a new reign begins.




Questions- What do I need to fix?
How can I make my metaphor flow better?

life is a pond

Extended Metaphor: Life

Life is a small, transient pond.
When trying to examine the life of someone else, all you can see is the very surface,
But under that there is a huge depth and variety.
The surface of the pond is never perfect,
Forever marred by ripples, waves, and the troubles of everyday life.
But underneath that life is tranquil and pleasant.

The rain disturbs the pond, sometimes severely.
But with it the pond grows deeper and more complex,
More serious disturbances make life that much more filling and meaningful.
When no rain comes to replenish life,
The pond dries up, withers away, and dies.
We need events to happen for life to retain meaning.

The pond of life is never empty.
Fish are thoughts and feeling bubbling inside of us,
They rise to the conscious level and cause ripples in our lives, as thoughts trigger actions.
The winds of events create waves on the surface,
But rarely reach the murky bottom that contains our deepest secrets and desires.
But one huge storm can always cause everything to be thrown around and rearranged.

1. What are some possible comparisons between a pond and life that I did not include?

2. How could I have improved my transitions?

School is a stinky trash can

School is a trash receptacle.
At the beginning of each year you buy a brand new one.
Shiny and sleek with a reminiscent scent.
You look forward to being filled with information
and doing new things
As these things grow old however so does your trash can
Dirty from use and filling up quickly with the knowledge instilled everyday
you feel the crushing mass weighing you down.
Soon what used to be a shiny, new fresh bin
has become a soiled, smelly mess,
and only fills higher with every paper and test,
Just when you feel your about to overflow however
Trash day arrives,
A chance to sort through the congealed mass of information
and polish up that shiny bin rejuvenated for yet another week.
This repetitive process might seem overwhelming to some.
Yet one mans trash is another mans treasure
To the dumpster diver with the right mind set,
the apparently useless chaos can be harvested to find real treasure
In the form of knowledge that can take you from rags to riches.

What are some other trash related metaphorical objects I could use?
How was my usage of extended metaphor effective?

Extended Metaphor

Life is like a balloon
It starts out wrinkly and small,
An infant waiting to be filled with knowledge of the world
As each day passes, more information is pumped into the little child
He grows bigger, and stronger, and more confident
He's able to hold his own against his peers,
Like a giant balloon bouquet
Soon, however, the child is filled to what he thinks is capacity
The information becomes too much and he feels as if he will burst
He grows larger, and larger, as he is required to take on more tasks
Some children grow past this stage
Of feeling like they are on the edge of popping
They are filled to the brim and tied off with a pretty ribbon
They live their prime, and then shrink in size
Regaining their wrinkles
And returning, essentially, to their infant state
However, some balloons POP! before this stage
Sometimes, I think, we all just want to pop.

Extended Metaphor: Roller Coasters, Life, and Galore

Life is a child on his first roller coaster ride at Six Flags. Afraid to death of the people screaming their heads off and the thought of being hundreds of feet above ground at an exhilarating speed of 60 miles per hour, he waited in line with his parents on each side of him. The three of them entered the long line, and the little boy plastered a smile on his face, anxious for what laid ahead. But as hours passed by, he grew restless and nagged his parents to make the line go faster. Unable to stay in one place, he walked in circles, jumped up and down, and climbed on the poles that separated each row. But soon after his whining and complaining that his legs hurt, he faced the gigantic car; the Raging Bull. He gulped as his dad sat on his left and his mom sat on his right, both helping him buckle into his seat. He knew they would be there to hold his hands and closed eyes as he prepared for the battle to come. The little boy jerked forward, and as his body leant backwards, the whole system accelerated slowly on an incline. He braced himself for he knew what was coming. He squeezed his parents’ hands and tears ran down his face like a water faucet, soaking the collar of his shirt. The little boy’s world was in slow motion, and being an innocent little child, he wished with all his heart that the roller coaster would just stop where it was. However, despite all his wishing and praying, he felt himself at the climax; he was on top of the world. His heart beat rapidly for what awaited him at the bottom, but everything was downhill from there. No more suspense, no more waiting, and no more internal battles. He felt his tears dry up as the wind pushed his hair out of his face while he screamed at the top of his lungs letting all the stress he had held for the past 2 hours out. After many more twists and turns and unexpected ups and downs that made his stomach do flip flops, he found himself at the exit, failing to suppress the wide grin on his face that told the world he had just conquered his first roller coaster.

Life is a young adult on his second roller coaster ride. After successfully defeating his fear of roller coasters, he found himself in line once again, this time surrounded, not by his parents, but by his many friends. Forgetting about the long line he had once complained about years ago, he spent the nauseating long time playing games and flirting with the girls. He sat in a roller coaster car his friends all around him as they all laughed nervously and joked around with each other. The all too familiar ride started again and he found himself once again feeling himself go up. He held his breath at the top, squeezing the hand of his girlfriend as she buried her head on his shoulder, and they all let loose as the roller coaster increasingly sped downhill. After several loop-the-loops and more downhill experiences, he and his friends found themselves at the exit, the boy again failing to suppress the grin on his face.

Life is a father on his third roller coaster ride. Many years later, he found himself in the position of his parents, taking his son on his first roller coaster ride. He no longer felt the excruciating pain in waiting in line, but instead understood that this was part of the experience of riding the roller coaster. Without waiting in the long lines, he wouldn’t be able to achieve his goals and overcome his fears. Through his past experiences, he helped his son feel better about the adventure that was nearing them; he became someone that his son looked up to for advice and guidance.

Life is a new roller coaster. No one knows what it has in store for you, with unexpected twists and turns and the pain you must overcome to successfully come out through the exit. Life teaches you patience and helps you become the strongest that you can be. Each time life throws another curveball at you and you experience the stress again, you learn to accept the hard times and learn from them so the next time it happens, it won’t be as bad. Like the little boy chose to go on the roller coaster, we choose to make certain decisions not knowing the outcome of it. Yet everyday, we learn from these decisions and help others through the process of growing up.


1. Did my extended metaphor effectively portray the relationship between the roller coaster and life?

2. What suggestions would you give me to make my extended metaphor better?

Extended Metaphor: People and Sushi

People watching.
A glorious sport.
I sit on a bench
and recognize,
people are sushi.
The unique innards characterize each individual,
chosen so carefully and precisely,
yet all by another's hands.
The condiments complement well,
but are they really your own?
You get grouped
with others like you.
Others more beautifully wrapped,
and others more distorted.
Some roll out skimpy,
some roll out plump.
The delectable treats wrapped in seaweed.
Some skillful in the art of keeping it together,
while others fall apart.
Hands dictate what the product will be,
yet ultimately, hands, will be the ones that cause destruction.
Chomp chomp chomp.

Questions:
1) How can I make my introduction more effective?
2) What other examples about sushi could I include into my poem?

Extended Metaphor

Extended Metaphor-Lauren Pusateri

Life is a fake Christmas tree
You only get one shot to pick it out because it's pricey
You can pick the easy way out by ordering a pre-lite tree
or you can put in a hard days work and achieve it yourself.
It is always full of random things
ugly, sparkly, or just plain stupid.
It can be tall, big or small
Depending on how you like to flaunt it.
Some years it may look better then others,
It may not shine like the past,
But you should never lose hope in it.

It's always a hassle to put together,
But once it's complete, it's a beautiful thing.


Which example do you think was the closest to life?

What should i change about my metaphor?


If i had the opportunity to change my metaphor, I think one thing that would make it more enjoyable is the length. After having people comment about it, I realize that it would have been to my benefit to elaborate on the silly metaphor. I would also add it person experiances with the tree relating to mishaps in life. For example, Someone could knock over your tree at any time, and in life people can take things away from you at anytime.

High School and Life

High school is is our lives as we know it, and the patterns of our lives are composed inside
We wake up every single morning, ready to repeat what we did the day before
Work hard, study hard, try to get good grades, and make good friends
Adults everywhere replicate this feat every day as well, work hard and bring home the money
The teachers always tell us that high school is our job and that we should treat it as such
The first day of high school we all came in at a rather timid pace
Some frightened, others confused, but to all of us, a new and unexplored territory
It's the same story with new and young adults entering the real world
No time for play, now it is time for pay, time to start a family and get a good job
Through high school we spend and focus so much of our time on tests and study and homework
We sometimes forget to stop for a moment and take a good look around
Before we know it, this will all be over and we, just as the adults, must begin the transfer from adolescence to adulthood
Just as in life, we travel through easy times and the tough times, and at the end we look back and wonder where time has gone
The greatest problem with high school and life is that sometimes we cannot find a way to appreciate it, until time is almost up
In life we finally reach our middle age stage and have kids and a house, but life is still hard and the same repetition remains
It's junior year, the hardest year of all and frankly school sometimes sucks, tests become harder, social lives disappear
At last it is time for retirement, the kids are out of the house, there is money in the bank for a house in florida
Finally, it is time to relax and enjoy the lifestyle that we have spent all of our time working for
It's senior year, time to goof off and chill and enjoy our last few quarters at a school where we have spent most of the last 4 years
Now time is up, it is time for graduation and we all must move on to the next stage of life
We have spent our entire lives waiting to enjoy life itself, and now it's almost over, in an old and decrepit stage in life
Unable to now enjoy and relish in the great life that has been created by a life time of hard work
Point is, stop and enjoy life, no one knows how it is all going to end up, take a long look around and cherish the time that we have
As for the real world, the only way to not get screwed over like the rest of society, marry rich or make it big in the business world, that's all I have to offer.


1. What can I do to make this flow better?
2. Where does it hold your interest and what needs to be changed?



Revision
If i were to go back and revise my extended metaphor, I would change and fix my metaphor according to my groups comments and analysis. First I would make my purpose very clear so the the reader would not get lost in translation. Next I would make sure to use more transitions and prepositions so that certain sentences and ideas would not become jumbled together and confuse the reader. Overall I liked how my metaphor turned out, but there is always room for improvement, the main problem with my metaphor is that I jump between points in a persons life. My original purpose in doing this was to show the reader how I am comparing high school to a persons life all of the way up to retirement. I guess that it was not made clear and now looking back I can see how the reader might become confused. Otherwise thanks for the advice.

Extended Metaphor: The Lives of AP Students to the Colorado River

Our lives are the mighty Colorado River
Sometimes flowing lightly and gently depending on the canyon depts
Trundling along the canyon floors with calm and serenity
Our lives our like the mighty Colorado River
Sometimes rough, rapid, and unable to control
Many times we long for the freedom of time and society
We try to calm a raging storm
Looking for the sun to shine through the cracks of the gray skies
Scanning for the sight of hope
A rainbow flowing across the sky
Our lives are the mighty Colorado River
We enjoy the soft easy bends
We enjoy the warm peacefuly waters
Through areas like these do we enjoy our lives the most
We do not like the sharp jagged rocks and drowning currents
They are stabs in our hears
And struggles in our loves
We enjoy the nice peaceful waters
Our lives are the mighty Colorado River
Navigating the ups and the downs
Swimming through the twists and turns
And fighting for our lives as we try to ease them out

-------------------------------
Questions.

What specific changes would you make to the metaphor?

What did you think of the connection between the two subjects?

How to be a successful man

Being deemed successful is obviously of main concern to most if not all people you’ll ever meet. It’s why we go to expensive universities, or try out for the team, we want to prove ourselves to others, and to ourselves, we don’t go in expecting failure, and we certainly don’t go just for the fun. Our society is driven by the ideal of the “haves” and the “have-nots,” and if you want to be respected in this modern age you’ve got to be on top of the game. For the average man in this new era success means three things: Money, Women, and really, really good looks.
The most determining factor of success can be found by flipping out your pockets. The question on basically everyone’s mind is: How much green have you got in that Italian leather wallet? Cold hard cash can buy you most everything in this modern world, and those who tell you “Money can’t buy you happiness,” should be paid to shut up. If you aren’t already a corporate lawyer, or brain surgeon cranking out the cash, the solution to all your qualms is simple, just get a job punching numbers in a cubicle for some large firm for the rest of your life. Though it may not seem like much enjoyment at the time you’ll be thanking yourself forty years later after climbing the corporate ladder and still not being your own boss. Imagine the nice days you’ll be spending in luxurious country clubs, going for a few rounds of golf with your associates. Never mind the fact that your nearing sixty years old with arthritis so bad you can barely lug your boss’ bags around much less get through a full golf swing. Beyond the country club you can use all that hard-earned income to get the things that really matter… so family, self-fulfillment, personal pride?
Hell no, I’m talking all those great material possessions. Doesn’t really matter what they are as long as they’re the biggest, fastest, coolest, and of course most expensive. Because besides having it all in the bank, you’ve got to flaunt it. A good start would be having the biggest house, in the most exclusive neighborhood. So a little bit like “keeping up with the Jones,” you might ask? Wrong, your house should make the Jones’ look like it’s from the Projects. Beside your house though, all your things should be equal or better to your neighbors too. Does that mean couple of the biggest plasmas in every room? A full in home theater staffed full time is more like it. An indoor pool, and NBA certified basketball court make nice accessories as well.
Another must-have for the self-respecting successful man is an overly expensive car. It’s not just about getting from point A to point B any more, your car should be able to fly, to go underwater, have the best safety rating out there…and those extra cup holders. If you can help it, you should get that kicking sound system as well, it’s only a couple grand. When you roll down your street windows should shatter, and your ears should ring. Take note however that there is one thing that goes beyond all else in this regard: horsepower. Though of course you would never do it of course, your vehicle should have the ability to out run the cops while stopping for donuts along the way. When you rev that engine sonic booms should ensue, and the rotation of the earth should spin the other way. That is of course the only way to prove your self as “manly.”
With all these great things coming your way, flocks of women will undoubtedly follow. Everyone will want a piece of you, and why shouldn’t they? You’re super rich, and being so you are thus attractive, personable, and awesome. As a rule of thumb however never attach yourself to just one. Even when your married, which I would not advocate, you should be seeing at least two or three other women, just enough to make it to the tabloids, because you need all the publicity you can get. Don’t outstay your welcome though, your relationship should last a couple of years at most, and just make certain you get divorced at least a couple of times.
To be a “great”, successful man, you’ve got to look the part. Calvin Klein, Armani, and Express Men, are all good places to start. To be remembered you should be as flashy as possible. Some people will say that your clothes are “tacky,” but what do they know? They’re poor! Also to assume the role of the successful man, your got to achieve just the right air of self-entitlement, and arrogance. Learn to stand tall, and smirk at anyone who passes not wearing the best brands. Walk at an “on top of world” stride, and push passed anyone in your way, because obviously you earned it.
Another crucial way to look good is to invest, invest, invest. You should leave a lasting legacy, and the best way to share your success story is through a charity organization with your name on it. All the big kahunas have one, and philanthropist does have a good ring to it. Whether its feeding the poor, scholarship funds, or disease awareness it really doesn’t matter, as long as people see your name and associate it with “what a great guy.”
Why when you can have all that, would a person still try to forge his or her own way is beyond me. Self-discovery and fulfillment is overrated. If you want to choose a life of respect, money, and bountiful happiness just start crunching numbers.

The Official Guide to Korean Parenthood

I was asked to speak to you, the Korean parents of the students of Fremd High School, so that I may congratulate you for providing your children with an enjoyable childhood. Let me start off by stating Confucius; “Have no friends not equal to yourself.” This quote is so intuitive that it may take you an hour to fully understand the true meaning of it; you might even be reading this sentence an hour after you started due to the lack of knowledge of the American vocabulary. Although you have been in America for 15 years now, I understand that learning another language at the age of 30 is a very difficult task. By reading the school letters your student brings home, though, you have scrounged up enough words to call your child’s English teacher and complain about a mistake in the online grading system regarding your child’s latest test score, and I am proud of you for this accomplishment. Your child must be happy.
Korean children are so lucky to have parents like you all, parents who are so dedicated to organizing a jam-packed schedule to your child’s everyday life. The only way for your child to have a successful life is to study 24/7, excel in all his academic class, and play as many instruments as he can; in order to make this happen, force your child to start his homework right after school. Make sure you give him ample room on his desk for all eight of his 7-pound AP textbooks as well, and don’t let him out of his room unless he has written down two notebooks worth of notes. It doesn’t matter if your child has copied down the textbook verbatim because you won’t know what it’s saying anyway, and you also believe that long notes are good notes. If your child is receiving an A-, panic. You are doing something totally wrong and must find a private tutor for him immediately. I would suggest a place such as Sabio Academy, an extracurricular academy filled with other Korean students that qualifies to guarantee quick improvements in your child’s grades. By the end of the quarter, the A- will magically appear to its normal status of an A+. When your child comes up to you saying that he got the highest semester grade in the class, do not praise him. He will assume you are okay with an A, a clear suicide attempt. Instead, say, “You suppose to get A+. That’s why I travel 15 hours to born you here in country of America; so you have good life in 10 years later.” This will open the eyes of your child and help him understand that A’s no longer let you telecommunicate and A-‘s will leave him homeless. Gym is an exception. As long as your student is passing P.E. class, it doesn’t matter what grade he is getting because it’s not counted in his GPA and doesn’t affect his rank. Always compare your child to children of other Korean parents. Every time you compare him to another student, your child will become enraged and suddenly have the desire to overcome the other student. This will cause a rapid increase in academic performance.
Make sure to emphasize that someone else’s kid got a perfect on the ACT but your child only got a 35. Stressing the importance of the ACT and SAT is highly important while your child is growing up. Your child will never understand its value no matter how many times you tell him that it’s important. He just doesn’t realize how important a good ACT score is and how it affects his college application; trust me. You must tell him everyday starting at the age of 12 that it’s time for him to study The Princeton Review for the ACT. You should also personally talk to your student’s counselor and find out all the AP classes Fremd offers. Make sure to fill in all seven periods with challenging classes such as AP Physics, AP Biology, and AP Calculus BC. Never allow him to have a free period or a lunch. A free period will deprive him of further opportunities to learn and will eventually lead to failure in life.
If the homework, study, and tutor sessions don’t completely fill your child’s schedule, I highly recommend that you consider teaching him to learn the instruments of the string family. Never allow your child to play in the band because he will then be compared by your friends to their own children who play a stringed instrument and thus will be looked down upon in all of the Korean community. Playing the piano is a must. Start your child at the age of 5 so that he can become a piano genius by the age of 12. Schedule 1-hour lessons once a week and keep a record of all the days your child practices. I also highly recommend the violin; cellos are also an alternative, but only if your first child plays the violin. Your goal is to have a mini orchestra in the family so you can show them off at family reunions and birthdays. Never allow the viola or bass into the family; you don’t want to be the first one to break the tradition. If you have more than two kids, your third child can play the violin, and the pattern goes on. Who cares about the viola anyway? Violins are superior according to every Korean firstborn.
By the age of 10, your child should also know the fundamentals of one of the following sports: tennis, badminton, ping-pong, or any form of martial arts. Most parents prefer tennis because it is a widely recognized individual sport, crucial to the Korean culture. By the time your student is a freshman in high school, he should make the Varsity team and become captain his sophomore year. Not only should he excel in sports, but should also be actively involved in Student Council, NHS, SOS, Math Team, Debate Team, Chess Club, The Logue, Scholastic Bowl, and also become a member of the class board. In addition to taking the role of an active participant, he should also run for an executive position. If he fails to meet the criterion, simply call the sponsor and demand a phone conference. With the sentences your child has written out for you, all you have to do is simply read off the napkins and before you know it, the generous sponsors will offer your child a position as the President of their club because, just as you assumed, all the teachers at Fremd High School are so easy to manipulate.
I will once again bring up the quote from Confucius, not that saying it a second time will help the understanding of it; “Have no friends not equal to yourself.” When you finally figure out the meaning of the quote, you can begin action. Start by limiting the types of friends your child hangs out with. Always tell your child that you won’t let him talk to a certain friend because the friend isn’t smart enough to be your child’s friend. Only people who match your expectations can be friends with your child, so it is best you begin to introduce your own friend’s genius children to your own starting from the age of 6. Your child will quickly climb up the academic ladder while also slipping down the social one. But it doesn’t matter as long as you get into an Ivy League University and become a doctor or lawyer. You can live without friends for one year, junior year. Junior year is the most important of all four years of high school. It is crucial for your child to not screw up during this year. Be sure to tell your child, “Just think yourself is dead; so and so no more here. And then 5 years later, you become good doctor and then you have fun with friends. But now, just study, study, study.”
Parents, I advise you to heed to my guidance. Grades are everything for the success of your child. Constantly check his online grades and manually calculate the grades of each class in case there is a technical error with the computer’s calculator. With the little English that you know, go to your child’s teacher and confirm every single point so your child will never lose one. Be sure to convince your student to take all AP classes and get 5’s on each AP exam in May. That way you will save money when your child graduates early due to an exceedingly large amount of credits. Don’t forget to provide your child with a variety of music lessons so he or she can continue to maintain the Korean stereotype. Keep your child actively involved in school activities because the various clubs look astonishing on a college application. While you’re at it, make sure your child is also volunteering in the community, preferably a hospital because your child is striving to become a renowned doctor. By providing the opportunity for your child to participate in a sport, you will be instilling competition into his or her life. By doing so, your student will always compete against other students in order to become the winner at all times. Upon these few instructions, I now say to you, go and make a generation of happy, stress-free, Korean prodigies.

Satirical Paper

How to be Cool as Hell
Everyone wants to be loved, to be popular, to be counted as a “best friend” by many. To some degree, at least. But what is the secret? What’s the key to “being the coolest kid in town?” I’ll enlighten you. Be safe with what you say. Don’t be spontaneous, ever. Just say what you’ve always said; never say anything new. If it might have a chance of sounding different, don’t say it, cause that wouldn’t be cool, right? If someone else has already said it, then it’s probably ok to say. Unless they’re not cool. Just stick to the obviously safe things, no matter how boring and unoriginal they are.
Wear only the things that you’ve seen other people wear. Don’t buy that green hoodie that you really want, unless someone else has already OK’d it by wearing it themselves. Make absolutely sure to style your hair the way your friends do, don’t pop your collar to be goofy, and wear your hat at exactly the same angle that everyone else does, not a degree straighter or more crooked. Sag your jeans at exactly the same height as everyone else. Wear the same brand of underwear your friends do. Dress like the magazine models. Comb your hair the way the rest of your friends do, and wear your belt just like they do, but make sure it’s the same type of belt, with a traditional silver buckle. Don‘t buy into anything that might give you some personality. If you happen to have terrible eyesight and have glasses, don’t wear them. Don’t even peek through them. Leave them in your locker as an indicator for how much dust seeps in through the door.
When you listen to music, you must automatically smile and exclaim that you love whatever song might be playing. But remember, only if someone else has already declared that they too, love that song. You can sing along, but only if someone else is singing, and only if you know the song verbatim. If you can’t sing the song perfectly in tune, don’t bother singing, you’ll only look like a fool. If the song has a good beat, you can bob your head to a minute degree, but under no circumstances can you headbang. Headbanging involves originality, and being spontaneous, and therefore, you cannot do it. If you want to risk being seen as a loser, then go ahead. Otherwise, be like the rest of the teenage population. Also, be sure to blast the music as loud as the speakers allow.
A cool person, of course, hits all the parties. Make sure to go to at least 2 parties a week, and get completely trashed. Blasted. Wasted. While you’re at it, smoke a few cigarettes and give yourself lung disease. Make sure to take as big a hit as your friends do, and inhale it. But don’t cough. If you cough, you can’t handle the smoke. That makes you a loser. Be sure to have something to drink while you smoke. Having both hands occupied by illegal substances makes you a badass. When you think you’ve had enough booze, take 4 or 5 more shots for good measure. If your friends have had more to drink than you, go catch up. Drink yourself stupid, or you’re a lightweight. And lightweights are losers You absolutely must break something in your drunken antics, and make a total fool of yourself. But remember, a real cool person can drink all night and hold their liquor. When you’re throwing up and crawling around on the floor laughing at nothing, make sure to have a beer or two to wash the puke out of your mouth. Before you crash for the night, you have to hook up with some random person, to prove you can still get some. Make sure someone sees it, so you have a witness. That’s how a cool person parties.
Make sure that at school when you’re with your girlfriend or boyfriend, to make out with them for at least 30 seconds before you go to class each time. Do it in the middle of the hallway if possible. The more people that turn their heads in disgust, the better. Bonus points if you’re tardy getting to class because you took too long to unglue yourself from their face. Which brings up another point. Show up late to at least one class a week. Keep the teachers guessing as to whether or not you actually care about school. When you come in late, do it so everybody sees you. Do the little “oops, sorry” grin , (but only if you’ve seen someone else who’s cool do it before) and walk over to your seat. Sit down, and explain to everyone nearby that you were late because you were sucking face with your significant other. Then put your head down and go to sleep.
Fail at least one class per semester. Make sure the class you fail is something that everyone hates, like math or history. Complain about how much that teacher sucks, and how dumb it is that you have to earn a 92% for an A. Exclaim that since sports teams who have a 60% win are relatively good, so should a grade of 60%. It’s ok for you to say that, I’ve said it, so it’s cool. Right? Also, play one sport that the rest of your friends do. If they play football, grab some shoulder pads, if they play soccer, buy some cleats, if they’re a swimmer, don a speedo. But you must be amazing at that sport, otherwise you’ll suck and not be cool. You also have to make fun of the other kids who are worse at the sport than you. Make their life on the team hell. That’s what the real players do.
So there you have it. Those are the foolproof solutions to being cool. Trust me, listen to everything I’ve told you, and you’ll be the best, I swear. Just remember the basics. Nothing original, nothing that’s not been done, nothing that hasn’t been said. If someone hasn’t done it, it probably hasn’t been done for a reason. Right? Get to it.

How to Become Famous

Every person has had at least one moment in their lives when he or she has wished that they could become famous. Whether the feeling occurs when you open your newspaper to an article reading “Lindsey Enters Promises Again,” or check your AOL mail only to see updates on Britney’s custody troubles, most every person has felt—at least—a momentary twinge of longing. Usually this fleeting emotion is quickly brushed away by common sense, because, after all, you’re not a recovering drug addict, emotionally unstable enough, or dating Brody Jenner. But wait! Our society’s constantly declining morals and dignity make your dream reachable.

The first step on your journey to achieve tabloid fame is to decide which already-existing celebrity cliché you want to mold yourself into. Becoming the young, wild, party girl is usually the most effective—but all hope is not lost if you are an older woman. Recently, celebrity moms have garnered as much attention as their equally attractive, and famous, daughters. One can also decide to be the celebrity villain that people love to hate, a persona achieved by stealing someone’s husband, attacking the paparazzi, being hateful towards your fans, or possessing an ego the size of Ashlee Simpson’s old nose.

Once you have found, and completely researched, the role that you have chosen to play, you then need to begin to transform your look. I would suggest not eating for a few days to jumpstart your new weight-loss regimen. Also, find the biggest and most expensive sunglasses available so you can constantly wear them. Be sure to remember the fewer clothes, the better!

Now that your personality and look have been completed, the time has come for your arrival into the Hollywood scene. Stealing the spotlight becomes easy if you carefully choose the right reality show to showcase your new facade. When on camera, exaggerate your movements and continually say, and do, the most outrageous things possible. If you somehow can’t secure a coveted spot on a prime-time reality show, you need to date a high-profile celebrity. Do not worry if he or she is married; if anything, breaking up a marriage would only enhance your celebrity status. Also, do not waste your time trying to act in or create a high-quality movie or CD. These are poison to talented partiers—no one will take your party-girl persona seriously anymore if you try to showcase your real talents.

Assuming you have followed the process completely, you should have a recognizable name by now. This is the perfect time to do the one thing that the rich and famous do best—go to rehab. The most popular choices are problems linked to drug use, eating disorders, or alcoholism. Others prefer to get hospitalized for exhaustion and stress. A select few, the most talented of them all, manage to partake in all four. If the thought of rehab makes your eye twitch, jail may be the place for you instead. Usually a DUI can be your ticket into court (and onto covers), but more creative young women have crashed into shrubbery, or even other cars. This last step ensures that your name will be forever imprinted onto everyone’s minds—and hearts.

By choosing the right path to follow on your journey to Hollywood, you can make success as hard to come by as a celebrity mug shot. Who knows, next year you may log onto AOL to check your mail and see your mug shot on the welcome screen!

Satire Example: Thank You Mr. Bureaucrat

Thank you Mr. Bureaucrat

For too long have Bureaucrats suffered the stigma of inefficient, unfeeling leeches on society. After all, who is it that gets you your drivers license, or runs your schools, or makes our government keep going right on track? By all means, we owe them our thanks. By keeping common sense and personal freedom in check, they serve to make our world a more sensible, if confusing, place.
Thank you, Mr. Bureaucrat, for allowing me my driver’s license. You gave me this privilege, expecting so little in return. Why, after months of training and instruction, I can have my probationary driver’s license for only a small charge. Moreover, the work you do is impeccable. At the DMV your workers make sure to take their time, so as to avoid careless error, and yet they still process a maddening 17 people per hour. Truly, how do you do it? Some people think that this is not fast enough, or that the requirements are too strict, but they do not understand that it is to ensure their own safety. Why, god only knows what would happen if good students only received 6 months of practice alongside their driver’s ed program. Not only that, but they do not realize that if an accident were to occur, it could not possibly be the driver’s fault, but the fault of all new drivers. Everyone knows that learning from your mistakes is vital, yet so few realize that learning from others’ mistakes is just as important. When one young driver gets in an accident, clearly, it is time to once again raise the required practice time, rather than improve the instruction given, to ensure that such a tragedy will never happen again.
Thank you, Mr. Bureaucrat, for making sure that my school is a safe, yet fun, educational environment of the highest quality. After all, standardized testing is the only way to determine what funding a school deserves. I mean, we all know that intelligence couldn’t possibly be reflected in ways beyond coloring circles. It’s ingenious, really. You are always coming up with new solutions to new problems. I mean, who other than you would have thought to force schools into turning over students’ private information to the army? With inexplicably low support for our current war, it is important that the army knows which high school students are most vulnerable to recruiters. You’ve managed not to touch the constitution too, Mr. Bureaucrat, since after all, schools aren’t “required” to turn over private student information. If they are willing to pay their expenses without government funding, they should always be more than welcome to decline your offer. And thank you, Mrs. Bureaucrat, for making sure that my educational experience is fun, but not too fun. After all, you’ve given us spirit days to dress up on. Who needs the distraction of an age-old national holiday when you have school sponsored fun? People need to understand that when dressing up is part of an established holiday, it is clearly in violation of every last moral fiber, and an insurmountable distraction. However, once approved by people of a neutral, uninvolved party, week long dress up events could never be misconstrued as a distraction.
Truly, and from the bottom of my heart, thank you Mr. Bureaucrat, for making America what it’s become. Should you continue your red-taping, holiday-swapping, privacy-infringing, time-consuming overregulation, mayhaps someday we will finally see a world without frivolous emotions. By converting each iota of humanity in our society, you have managed to make the world a better place. But Mr. Bureaucrat, what happens then?

Example Satire Papers

Please post/read example satire papers here. (Post as authors.) Those who are doing revisions should email them to me by Friday, November 23rd.

new thesis

Willy creates unrealistic expectations in his family life by transfering his obsession with respect from success in his salemanship that cause the stresses and mental torment that ulitmately drive him to suicide.

Thesis

Willy takes his beliefs of what a good saleman should have, respect from success, transfers to his family life, which creates unattainable expectations that result in the pressure and stress that drives him commit suicide.

Thesissssssssssssssssssssssss

Although the Willy's character seems isolated from the rest of society, because of his excessive idealistic dreaming and pushing for success, he actually mirrors many everyday members of society.

Thesis!!

The strong desire for Willy to achieve the American dream through the prosper of salesmanship in and out of the household steadily tears the Loman family apart as well as ultimately resulting in the depression and death of Willy Loman.

Thesis Statement

Miller uses symbolism to illustrate Willy Loman's obsession with material success and his societal claustrophobia, the factors which ultimately lead to his destruction.

Thesis Statement

The envious sibling relationship of Biff and Happy reflects a similar relationship between Ben and Willy, which as a result, causes Willy to idealize his brother, generating regret and disappointment.

Thesis Statement

Willy's root desire throughout the play is to gain the love and respect of his family, a task he believes can simply be accomplished by success in business, and which eventually leads to his suicide.

DOAS Thesis

Throughout the play, the character of Ben represents a tangible embodiment of Willy's aspirations and regrets, and serves as a catalyst for his suicidal thoughts.

Thesis Statement

"Rhythm Between Fathers and Sons"
Question 4: How do the fantasy characters influence the real characters?

The fantasy characters of Willy Loman's mind are representations of his ideals, therefore dictating the actions he takes in order to fulfill his preconceived notion of success.

The word 'fulfill' doesn't seem to fit right. Anyone have any suggestions?

Though Willy's undying passion to fulfill the American dream in a capitalist society contributes to his demise, the presence of symbolic and inanimate objects also accord to his death by suicide.

Thesis statement

Willy's delusions, which are triggered by disappointments from his family, co-workers, and friends lead to his realization of the reality of his problems in life, which ultimately leads to his suicide.

Thesis, question 6

Willy is a salesman in life as well as in business; his belief that everything can be fixed through good salesmanship, including selling himself and his values leads to his unhappiness and ultimately, his demise.

Potential Thesis and Supporting Criticism

Please post your thesis statement and the piece(s) of criticism you read for support. Review the thesis websites and apply the thesis test to make sure your thesis is good to go. See handout from Mrs. Gerber for details.

Hall Monitors

I have long been compelled to write a piece about the glorious preservers of peace in the hallways of every school that protect the people from every form of harm. Called “student supervisors”, though sometimes disrespectfully referred to as “hall monitors” by ungrateful students, these wonderful and necessary agents of order over chaos are permanently dedicated to their cause. Without them, the schools would disintegrate into disorder and nobody would ever be content again.
I must comment at the devotion shown by the student supervisors who rapidly apprehend and justly punish any insolent student that dares to cross any of the boundaries carefully placed by the omniscient administrative staff. Any student that violates the entirely reasonable set of rules deserves far worse treatment than given to them. Trips to the administration office or detentions are trivial punishments for a crime against such a wonderful authority.
I am personally grateful to the hall monitors for the reminders that they constantly give me to keep myself disciplined and without guilt. I am somewhat ashamed at my own forgetfulness when I walk into the building and am told in a pleasantly loud and harsh voice “NO HATS IN SCHOOL!” That means that I forgot to follow the purposeful and ancient rule created for the everyday good of everyone. I am lucky not to be severely punished for it. Once I saw someone who was obviously very rushed in the morning and needed to get some extra breakfast before his second class. He was eating a bagel, how dare he, when the hall monitor reminded him “No eating in the hallway! You’ll have to wait until you get to class to eat that.” That ability to provide logical alternative solutions is one of the things that I admire most about the hall monitors.
Really, I am grateful to the hall monitors because without them, the school couldn’t function. Chaos would reign, and there would be people who dare to eat and wear hats in the hallways. The hall monitors are always successful in breaking up the fights in the halls, so without them I don’t know what would happen. We need hall monitors, and I would like to use this opportunity to thank them for all the times they have saved the school and enforced the great rules.

How to convince your parents you care about school

Everyone’s faced this dilemma before… How do you convince your parents that you care about school? Although you’d rather be out with your friends, or even working, for that matter, you have to pretend like you’re concerned about grades. How do you do it? Nobody knows the foolproof solution, but here are a few tips to offer. Put rocks in your backpack, or anything heavy, for that matter. Weigh that sucker down with whatever you manage to pick up from the street. As long as it’s over 40 or 50 pounds, your parents won’t bother you about schoolwork. They assume any backpack as heavy as that must have plenty of work to keep your growing mind occupied. If said rocks or bricks are found in your backpack, exclaim that they are for biology or chemistry class, and you’re supposed to examine the properties or the chemical composition of the rock. Set the rock on the table, and stare at it. Text your friends under the table. When your parents leave the room, leave the house. If your parents catch on to your ruse, there is another simple solution. Tell them you are staying after school for math club, the school newspaper, Spanish club, or some other academic after-school activity. See a movie instead. When they ask how the club was, say it was inferior to your unrivaled brainpower. Tell them you’re quitting, and that you need some alone time to contemplate your decision. Go to your room, lock the door, and sneak out the window. See another movie. Or do whatever you please. So long as it isn’t homework. When you come home, leave open books on the table, complete with pencil and notebook. Turn your notebook to a random page that’s already been written on, and leave it for the parents to see. Do this often, just make sure to change the date on the paper. When you’re at home and your parents call, don’t pick up the phone. Wait a few minutes, and call them back. Tell them you were just working on a really hard equation. When they ask you to explain it, tell them it’s too advanced for them to understand. Follow those general tips, and you’ll fool your parents into thinking you actually care about school. But when the failing grades come in, you’re on your own.